Unfiltered Prayers

Why Do I Return to the Artificial Sweeteners: A Desperate Plea for a Content Heart

God you’re like eating vegetables to me right now. I know you will satisfy more than the Oreos, I know deep down, my body craves the sustenance more than the sugar. But I still eat the Oreos, everytime. It tastes sweeter, looks more appetizing than a carrot does. I KNOW I NEED THE HEALTHY STUFF, but I don’t want it. Make me want the vegetables, make me hunger after you more than a sugar high. The things of this world seem so satisfying, so fulfilling to consume. Material items, idealistic thoughts, fun trips and experiences – how can I have it all? I want all of it, my appetite for the world is insatiable. My taste buds have developed a dependence on the sugary taste of covetousness and discontentment.

You are my detox. My spirit is willing to let you clean out my body with your purifying waters, but my flesh regurgitates it. My body will experience withdraws, my tongue will yearn for the flavor of sweet delicacies, a fleeting palette of artificial sweeteners. It is an addiction, God. I don’t want to give up wanting other things besides you, because in a way, it feels like I will never taste a sweet thing again if I quiet my wandering heart’s desires. If I settle for vegetables, will I know dessert pleasantries any longer?

Your detoxing waters soothe my upset stomach. At first, I feel as though I am starving, that’s the funny thing about unnatural additives – they are deceitful. They convince me that I must have them in order to feel full. I was never meant to gorge my body this much. You designed me to need the carrots – to glorify you by consuming you and letting you consume me. And miraculously, my body is refreshed. The water and vegetables and whatever other healthy things you may personify actually make me feel rejuvenated. Why am I surprised by this? Did I expect emptiness from promised nourishment? I no longer pine for the candies and confections; the nutritional meal of your satisfaction meets my every need. I am content with a steady diet of your grace and love – it is enough.

How wonderful it feels to be satisfied, knowing that you are the very thing that I taste and see as good! How fulfilling it is to know that you have already given me every good thing! How freeing it is to remember that you are everything, I shall not want! What did I see in the sweetness of the world? Why was it so enticing when it only satisfied my lips, not my appetite? The vegetables, You, are so much better!

But it only takes one cheat day to come tumbling back to square one. I unwrap a truffle, pop it in my mouth, and immediately, I want more. How quickly I forget the longtime benefits of the vegetables that only a short while ago were everything to me. The chocolate sets in, it turns me back to an unquenchable thirst. The lies resurface. The sugary deceit makes a reappearance and I welcome it because I am too weak to turn it away. It tastes so good, even when I know what it will do to me. The wholesome food has lost its luster – I must have more of the man-made Oreos.  

You alone are my portion – I know that, I’ve experienced that. It brings freedom and fulfillment, ultimate delight. It is more pleasing than anything else I have known. Your ways are good, your character is love. It should feel like enough, shouldn’t it?

Why, then, do I still want something more?

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